Wednesday, January 1, 2020

A New Decade, A New Beginning


Hello my Friends!

We are entering a new decade! Can you remember what you were doing at this time back in 2010? I can! I was revamping myself. I'd just been through the toughest nine years of my life, recovering from burnout. I was battling depression, panic disorder, generalized anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder for so many years. I still deal with those things but overall I have them managed. (I don't believe these mental health disorders are every cured).

Summerside Harbour, PEI (2010)

I took this photo on January 3rd 2010. I was living on Prince Edward Island. I remember this day like it happened yesterday. I was having a severe panic attack and I jumped into my car at seven in the morning. I ran to the beach and jogged along the shore for what seemed like hours. It was probably about 10 minutes. I was only wearing my pajamas. During a panic attack, one doesn't think! I was all alone, the ocean wind was bone chilling. I remember getting down on my knees and shouting out for help as tears fell down my frozen cheeks. As I knelt there, I started to listen to the waves, feel the sand beneath me, feel that biting wind on my face. 

That was when I had my epiphany! Nobody can help me but ME. 

Summerside PEI Sunset (2010)

The sunset that evening was beyond beautiful. I realized that much of the time I suffered was necessary to grieve the abusive upbringing, the betrayals, the deaths and the failures. But I also realized it was enough. I knew that I had to get off my meds, get my life back and move ahead in my healing. Nine years of therapy wasn't doing much; nor was visiting a doctor who basically whipped out the prescription pad. I'd been moving around a lot at that point, but I decided it was time to nest a little bit.

Spencer and Winston

So that spring, I packed my beloved (late) pugs into my car and headed back to the Laurentian mountains to start all over.

My "Therapy" Chair!

I spent a lot of time on this bench near "Big Dear Lake". I thought about forgiveness (what it really means), about how life is so short, about time wasted, regrets...though I spent (spent $$) nine years in therapy, the most significant healing I experienced was sitting on that bench by the lake. The healing that I needed was within me and Nature brought it out. ❤️

The Twins (2011)

I thought about my spirituality. I thought about what makes me feel passionate. I tried new hobbies, I developed a love for photography, I developed a special love for Nature and all critters in the woods and waters. I dabbled in painting and writing and poetry. I'd lost nearly 100 pounds that I'd put on due to the meds I was taking. I was finally feeling so happy, grounded and at peace! I was in great shape physically, mentally and emotionally. It took me so many long years to go from feeling extremely desperate and suicidal to feeling happy in my own skin.

Life wasn't always good, but it is now. If you're going through a hard time, have faith, it WILL get better! Make the choice TODAY to do everything in your power to be HAPPY! And if you're not ready, take your time, but don't make the mistake I did - don't get into a COMFORTABLE RUT. My biggest regret is losing nearly 20 years of my life to negativity, pain and depression. If I'd known better, I wouldn't have wasted all of that time. Pull yourself out! Life is way too short!!

Love you all! xxx

23 comments:

Leanna said...

Awww. Sweet fur babies. Happy New Year, sweetie. Let's hope it's better.

Mama Pea said...

A beautiful, heartfelt post, Rain. One that I'm sure will be read time and again by many. Sending the very best of wishes for the coming New Year. May it take you to your next home which will be the best of new starts in your life! Hugs.

Rain said...

Thanks Leanna :) I know 2020 will be an awesome year! :) I hope for you too!

Rain said...

Thanks Mama Pea :) I know deep down that 2020 will be the year I find my home, maybe just a transitional one, but we are definitely leaving Quebec that's for certain!

Martha said...

Your story is very inspirational, Rain. And very beautiful, although I use that word carefully because you suffered through a lot. I think it's the positive outcome that is beautiful. And your fight to regain control of your life. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Wishing you and Alex a wonderful 2020! ❤

Rain said...

Thanks so much Martha :) I think the years of suffering made me appreciate what I have now, though I wouldn't want to go through it again. I think that it was either move ahead or just give up and I'm glad I didn't give up. :) My dogs helped me with that decision, they were very much a part of my recovery! xxx

kat said...

Dear rain this post has touched me so much! I am living with my 8 year old daughter who is on the autism spectrum and suffers from severe anxiety and panic attacks. I can get what you must have lived as I am living with my daughter’s condition every day. I am cheering you for all you say in this post and dear one have no regrets you may just not have been ready for that leap of faith and just needed time to take the right decision and begin healing!

Rain said...

Thanks so much Kat :) It was a long road, but my life did a complete turnaround because I chose to make it so. Of course, as an adult I can make that choice, but children who have struggles...I have so much empathy for them. I'm so sorry for your daughter's condition, I can't even imagine an 8 year old suffering from panic attacks, poor her! And the worst part? It's SO HARD to help anyone having panic...I know that when I have panic attacks now, my hubby tries to soothe me, but he realizes that it's something that isn't logical...panic doesn't happen to me because I'm being attacked by a bear! It's all post-traumatic, so he can't really do much, but he supports me, which, after the fact, I really remember and cherish. But, how do you help an autistic person with panic disorder, especially a child who has no clue what's going on, all they know is that they are terrified. Oh, that breaks my heart. You're a strong woman and I wish you all the best Kat. xxx

Pam said...

I can hear that life is better in your blogging and emails. I am so glad. Loving the pics but what was I doing ten yrs ago....NO WAY of telling. None whats so ever. My life and health is always changing in someway that I stopped keeping tabs on it...haha

NanaDiana said...

Thank you for such pure honesty, Rain. You are a precious soul and I believe that you were healed by a power greater than our own. Something/someone gave you the will to see things clearly and you were able to do the hard work of changing and recovering. Blessings to you,my friend. You are a special person. xo Diana

Rain said...

Hi Pam :) Yes, life is getting better for me, 2019 just threw me off course! Life changes so quickly for sure, too quickly. I was trying to figure out what I was doing on New Year's Eve 2000...I probably was working, just on the verge of burning out!

Rain said...

Thank you Diana :) xx You're very sweet. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. So many people who are/were in my state of mind back then didn't make the choice to live. I'm glad I did. :)

Fundy Blue said...

You did it, Rain! Your story is deeply inspiring. I understand somewhat of where you have been, having run outside screaming and crying into a snowstorm, breaking down and calling for help. None came. It had to be me who helped myself. Like you, I found a way to climb out of that black pit. PEI is beautiful, but I haven't been there since 1976 ~ hard to believe. Spencer and Winston are darling. Our late pets never leave us. They are always in our hearts. There is nothing like nature to restore one's soul. Wishing you and Alex a happy and healthy 2020.

Rain said...

Thanks so much Louise :) It's so hard to accept that nobody comes when you are so desperately in need...but for both of us, it taught us to rely on ourselves and take life-saving steps to get better. Nature truly restores my soul and I think that being near the ocean for that year really helped me!

Gwen Buchanan said...

Wow, Rain, interesting to know that in 2010 you were not far from us on the east coast and near salt water too.. lol. we are inland now... time does move along and sometimes faster than we ever would imagine. and Change along with it. very cold here today, but I'm not far from the fire. playing around with some Origami, just for fun.. a bit tricky with some of the folds. .. certainly teaches patience which I can always use more of... but Fun when the sq. piece of paper actually turns into something. cheers to an exciting year for you in 2020

Rain said...

Thanks Gwen :) I think 2020 will be exciting for sure! I'd love to go back to P.E.I. but I just missed the mountains too much! I think we'll be moving to NB, most of the properties we like are in that province, but the house search only begins in March! Origami, that's fun! I've tried that a few times and yes, it is tricky. I'm too impatient for it lol! Enjoy your cozy fire!! :)

Geraldine said...

What a wonderful post Rain. So inspiring and in many ways, touching on experiences I can relate to SO much.

You are a strong person, a survivor, someone who could have caved but didn't. I respect those traits very much.

I will miss visiting here as I won't be blogging much for now, but will try to stop in periodically.

It's been a real pleasure reading your posts this past few months. All the best to you and your family in 2020. It's going to be a very good year!! Hugs to you.

Rain said...

Thanks so much Geraldine! :) It's been nice meeting you! Drop by any time, and I'll be right back reading yours when you're back from your break!! And thank you for your words, believe it or not, it wasn't an easy decision, but of course in hindsight I'm glad I decided to survive. :) Hugs to you!

Magic Love Crow said...

Good for you Rain! I am proud of you! My friend, never have any regrets, everything happened the way it was suppose to be! You didn't lose 20 years of your life, you gained experience to land you, to where you are today. I know "before", I have said, I've regretted things in my past too, but I know, if didn't happen the way it did, I wouldn't be where I am today. But, like you, I just wish so many years didn't go by! LOL! Love you!

Rain said...

I agree Stacey and thank you so much. I often think that if one little thing in my life happened differently, I wouldn't have met Alex, I wouldn't have my pets and I wouldn't have met all of my lovely Blogger friends. It's easy to say in hindsight that I don't regret anything that happened to me, but honestly I wouldn't want to go through much of it again. I know it's made me the person I am and I'm proud I got through it. But I'd love to have those years back now!!! :)))

ashok said...

Meaningful post...

Rain said...

Thanks Ashok :)

R's Rue said...

Beautiful