Monday, November 13, 2017

Growing Old Together

Are you a fan of Woody Allen's movies? I'm not a fan of his personal choices, but I do love most of his movies! His movies are all mostly about relationships, and in "Husbands and Wives", the premise is based on a couple who recently separated. The two of them act as though it's the best thing that could ever have happened to them and they are so nonchalant about it. They both claim they love being single and want to remain the best of friends. Then as time sets in, they both realize that they are "the type of people who need to be married".

Alex and I aren't married and likely won't ever take that step. We're okay with being a common-law couple as they say, we know it's forever. There was a time though, that I never wanted to be in a relationship. I was single until I met Alex, with a few very distant immature relationships in my teens and early twenties. Now I can't imagine being on my own again. I need to be in a relationship...not "need" as in desperate, but "need" as in feeling fulfilled. Alex is the same way, thought he'd be a bachelor his whole life because he never found someone who made him happy. He said when he met me, he realized he didn't ever want to be alone again. We both want to be happy and secure with each other, and we have our ups and downs; but for the most part we try to do everything we can to communicate and treat each other well. We do feel that we were meant for each other and it feels nice knowing that we will continue to grow together - and grow old together!

It's funny how I had such a firm philosophy on my singlehood! But from the very beginning of our relationship, everything just felt right. We moved in together a week after we met, yes we did lol...and I know that for most people that is a recipe for disaster, but for us, it seemed the natural thing to do! It worked for us, we've been together over four years now and going strong! Despite our age difference, we have so much in common. I really thought that I would have had to settle for less if I wanted to be in a relationship, I'm happy I was wrong!

My fraternal grandparents were together for 60 years. They always seemed so content. In fact, a sad but sweet fact is that two months after my grandma passed away, so did my grandpa, he was inconsolable when she died. My maternal grandfather died young and my maternal grandmother never remarried, she liked to be single.

I know there are people out there who prefer the single life. Are you one of those people? Or are you one of those people who "needs to be married" or in a couple? Do you feel you are with your soul mate, the person you are meant to grow old with? Or do you much prefer to be alone? If it's not too personal, I'd love to hear what people have to say on this subject!



By the way, a little superstitious folklore for today: If the thirteenth day after Halloween falls on a Friday, all persons born on that day will possess the power of the evil eye. If I had the "power" of the evil eye, I wonder if I'd use it for good or for evil lol? I'm sure we've all been the victim of someone's evil eye at times! It doesn't quite turn you to stone, but if sure does feel cold!


kymber said...

Rain - i could write a book on this post of yours! gee-whiz you hit me with a humdinger! in my late teen years and early 20's i dated a guy about once or twice. i never did 3rd dates with anyone. and never did the dirty deed. but then, when i got posted to Alert i knew from many other girls that i had to have a boyfriend back home or else. so i set my sights on the most feared guy in our trade. moved in with him about a month before my tour began and then was able to tell everyone in Alert who my boyfriend was. that, and having 2 of my best buddies sleeping on the floor in front of my door kept anything from happening to me. once i got out of Alert, i ditched him. for my second tour of Alert i made really good friends with our WO so nobody bothered me, thank goodness. and me and my WO really were good friends - nothing more than that.

i always thought i would be single even though i loved the idea of loving someone and being a housewife. and then january 19, 2011 happened. i'm at a house party that i only went to because my friend begged me to go to, i am standing in the corner making the stink eye at anyone who looked like they might approach me...and then i heard the worst scottish gaelic accent i had ever heard. i am from cape breton - we have the only gaelic college in north america. i was steamed and went and approached the individual murdering our language.

big, giant blue eyes, a baby face, wonderfully muscular with a gaelic dog torque tatooed on his arm and i was in love. right there. on the spot. he was very sorry for murdering the gaelic and started asking me all kinds of questions - like my name. i was wearing a necklace that said "diva" on it so i told him that was my name. he called me diva all night - thinking it was my name.

it was getting late and i said i was going to call a taxi and he said he would sit with me on the stairs and wait for the taxi. we kept talking. i was falling more in love if that is even possible. he asked me if i liked tea. he asked if i would like to go to his place for tea or would i be more comfortable going to my house for tea. we went to my house. we had tea and then stayed up all night drinking tea and talking.

he left in the morning and i played dido's "here with me" over and over for the whole day. he came back that night and we had "tea". we've never looked back since.

like you and Alex, we've been through ups and downs but he left his home and family and came to this remote little area with me. i always tell him i want to go first because if he goes first, i will steal pills from all of our friends and take them.

i want you to read this but can you delete it after you have read it.

sending much love to all of you. your friend,

kymber said...

Rain - i hope that the above comment isn't what some people call "Too Much Information". i'm loving having found this blog of yours! xoxoxo

Pam said...

You know....I have been divorced for 26 yrs, I have been in several relationships through that time but you know, I am tired of hoping MR. Right will come along. Thought I found him in that time and I was sadden mistaken. I am fine being single but there are those times when it would be great to have someone to lean on. Someone to hold me when I need it. There are those times that I am tired of having to be strong for ME.....I knew when I married at 20 that it was not what I was looking for. I stayed married 13 yrs and not being really happy I asked for the divorce. I loved him, like a brother. I have two kids by him. But....he did not make my heart complete. At 57 I am fine being on my own, tired of hoping that my prince will come along. I have Dakota and Lily and lots of amazing friends and a great family, I am good. I am happy for you to have found the ONE....ENJOY!

Rain said...

Hi Kymber :)) xxx

I LOVED your comment, and honestly, I'm pretty much an open book, so I didn't think yours was "tmi" at all. I think that "tmi" is subjective anyway, if you're comfortable with what you write, go for it! :)

Alex is always saying to me he hopes he goes first because he doesn't want to imagine life without me. I totally understand that, I feel like it would be too much to bear when that day comes. Alex was also willing to just up and leave Montreal after being together just a few months, he said he'd go wherever I go. I'd moved back to the city to live with him, since he was still working, but I was miserable, I needed the moutains! After his lease was up, we moved up north and started our new life together. It was a big move for him, he left his high-paying job to start his own freelance work, and we live on much less, but we're so happy. :) I had to look up "WO", warrant officer? I think that having a WO as a friend is great, especially if he was a nice person too.

We're SO alike. I was always the "modern independent woman" type before now I'm a happy housewife!...when I got sick the burnout took me by surprise and it changed me completely. When I decided to start dating again, gosh I was 43 by then, it was really because I was so lonely having lost all of my friends and purposely leaving my family behind. Even though it was a good move to stop all family contact, it was still as though I was mourning them all at the same time. The friends were also friends with my sisters so that was "collateral damage"...not to make it sound too impersonal, it was painful. But it was all or nothing. Then came the years of recovery and healing...then it hit me, I'd just spent 18 years alone. After a year or so of dipping my toes in the dating pond, I thought I'd never find a guy. The ones interested were usually out for sex with an "older woman" lol...or they were guys my age who had what I call "baggage" - ex-wife and kids and lots of drama. I didn't want kids and certainly didn't want step-kids. I saw Alex's profile on OK Cupid (I went the online route for dating), and I thought he sounded just like me :) We texted back and forth for two days, when I found out he didn't want kids AND he was an SCTV fan...I think the deal was sealed lol...He's twenty years younger, and that worried me at first, but for nothing! We had our first date two days after we met, and that was you said, head over heals and forever! I moved in with him a week later! Since I had my disability, and Alex was working at Bell, I just naturally got into the role of taking care of the house, pets and my man :) I'm so much enjoying life, and I think I'm so grateful for my relationship now because I was alone for so long. It had its benefits, it helped me heal without causing or receiving any drama and additional hurt; but 18 years was more than enough for me! I'm really happy for you and J :) I love that you are both living out in the Cape and enjoying life with each other!! We may join you soon, at least I hope we can find our little paradise in our price range. We still have a few years to go though.

I'm glad you found this blog too :) I don't really advertise it, it's more spiritual and thought-provoking than my cheese posts lol...but it's something I need to do as well, and I LOVE long comments and reading other people's opinions and thoughts too! It's all about self-healing, growth and also self-improvement. I learn so much from other people and it feels good when others enjoy what's on my mind too!

Rain said...

Hi Pam :) Thanks for your comment. I knew you'd been divorced for a while now and living the single life. For all those years I was alone, I had my two pugs and they were really my family. I loved those dogs so much. I'm glad that you have found what makes you happy! I'm sure if I had supportive and loving family members and friends, I might just have kept on being single. I was such a career woman before the burnout. I know what you mean about not making your heart complete. It's not a great example, but when I was 21, the guy I was with wanted to get married. I can't say I loved him, but I was growing to love him. There just wasn't that spark that made me think of growing old with him. When I said I wasn't ready to marry, he ended it quickly. That made me realize I did the right thing, it would have ended anyway and I may have had kids because even though I wasn't into motherhood, I would have had them because he wanted a family. I was too young and I'm glad I chose the right path for me. It's strange to reminisce and realize how different your life would have been had you made one choice differently.

Tammie Lee said...

It looks like you are having fun in the comments here.

I find each relationship different and unique, bringing out different parts of myself.
When I am single I really enjoy it and make the most of experiencing that, knowing that another relationship will come and then I make the most of it. The older I get the less rules there are. Kindness and acceptance being top of the list and fun.

Martha said...

I'm so glad you found each other, Rain. Sometimes it takes someone exceptional to come along and turn our world upside down and inside out. In a good way :) My first marriage was a disaster and after we divorced I swore up and down that I'd never EVER seriously commit to anyone, let alone get married again. I was just going to raise my kids as a single mom, concentrate on my computer career, live on my own and go on dates, maybe have casual relationships. Be this independent woman who needs no one. Well...along came my present husband and BOOM the roller coaster ride began. I knew right from the get go that this man was special, 'different'. He was ready to get married within two weeks. LOL I've never experienced such closeness, such magic, such intensity, such happiness. 15 years later and we're still going strong. I very much believe that we were meant to be. He is the opposite of my ex and he is the kindest, most loving and generous man I know. Someone once asked him what his job was and he answered "Making my wife happy". LOL He's sweet like that.

I'm not sure if you've read it, but I've shared my story, and our story, on my blog. It begins here: My Happily Ever After

I'm not a needy person with relationships and I could live on my own if I had to, but ever since I met my husband who I refer to as the most amazing man in the world, I'm overjoyed sharing this journey with him. I know that one of us will go one day, which I try not to think about. If it's him, I will be devastated but I will leave this life knowing I had loved someone with every ounce of my being and that I had been loved the same way. It is a remarkable experience. I've also said that if anything ever happened to my husband, no man could ever compare, so I wouldn't commit again. I'd just get myself a dog for companionship and we'd spend time outdoors. 😊

Rain said...

Hi Tammie Lee :) Thanks for your comment :) I think that your philosophy on relationships is great. Funny, for me it was the opposite, the younger I was the less rules I had...or maybe I should say boundaries. I just let anyone into my life, I guess I was desperate to feel loved by a man since my upbringing didn't give that to me. But those decades alone really opened my eyes to my patterns and I'm happy I was able to set up more rules for myself. For me that worked. But everyone has their own method and I agree that each relationship brings something to a person, teaches you a lesson about people, the world and yourself. :)

Rain said...

Hi Martha :))

First of all, thank you again for the link, I read your whole story and commented on the last post. I'm so proud of you and you are a very strong woman and an inspiration. :)

BOOM is right lol...when I saw Alex's profile, he was so honest. I was always honest too.."not kid friendly" was in bold lol...though none of the divorced dads on that dating site every seemed to pay attention to that! I also got some angry men giving me grief because I wouldn't meet them due to the fact that they had kids, some got outright insulting!...BLOCK. But like you said, boundaries are important, and when we're young, we don't always understand all of that. We don't really know what we want or what we need out of life, so we go the route of the status quo....marriage, kids, job. I was actually heading towards that route when I was younger, and I'm so glad I got scared into saying no to a marriage proposal. I would have had the same experience as you did, I'm sure of it.

Oh, I could live on my own too, if I had to. I just don't want to anymore! Alex and I joke about this, he tells people I'm "independently wealthy" lol...just because my disability income is the bread winning income in our relationship! So, if we ever split, life would be okay financially...but not emotionally. I don't know that I'd ever find someone like Alex, he truly is my soul mate. Heck, I'd have to get MORE dogs to fill the void when the day comes...Thanks for sharing! xx

Michael said...

Rain, I read not only your own post with a warmed heart but so enjoyed the others' comments too.

I think I read a comment of yours on someone's blog where you stated you were 49 or something and your man, 29, right? I commented there how I'm glad you went for it. Really, age is not necessarily a guarantee one way or another. My mother was married 5 times and had a few boyfriends too and by here her favourite was to a man who was 23 years her senior! in fact, he was a younger friend of her parents who would host the local brave RAF pilots in Singapore before the fall. She remembered how dashing he was and such a dreamy hero to her as a 10-12 year old or so. Growing up, my mother would often mention Ben and spent her entire life looking for him, wondering if he died in the War but feeling he was out there somewhere. In her 50's she found him after an gut feeling to look in the admissions (to the hospital) section of the national paper and found his name! After confirming it was him through staff there in the big hospital, she took a chance, got on a train across the country (UK) and went there. When she walked in the door, before she had even knocked, he looked up slowly and turned to her, having not seen her in her about 45 years ever, and instantly said, "Anne, darling, I knew you;d come." He just felt it! 6 months later they were married. Of all her 5 marriages, he was the only she felt the most spiritual connection with. Sadly, as he was so much older, he died 6 months after they married...after having spent her whole life trying to find him. It is the stuff of movies...but she is buried with him now, not with the man she married another 18 years later.

Anyway, all that to say, that I know from personal xp through my own family that age is so relative.

Michael said...

OK, enough on my mom. ha. I could go on as between my parents, there are 12 marriages! Yes, twelve!

I have already shared on a latter post about my own relationship history. I married fairly young too and was married for 21 years, actually 22 by the time the divorce happened as we didn't have the finances to complete it for a year after breaking up. Anyway, I was CONVINCED she was my soul mate and was the reason I made this crazy risk of moving to America...all so I could eventually bump into her and meet her. I won't go into all the details but ew constantly bumped into each other after meeting in the most odd places, like sitting directly behind her in a dark cinema, having come in late, etc. Our paths constantly crossed as I was the only one who apparently could deal with her new age bipolar crazies as she would say. I was convinced we would be together forever but that did not happen. The problem is we were the exact opposites, beyond the fundamentals. We always disagreed on everything. When it was over after she announced that, I was utterly broken and devastated beyond my wildest dreams. I not only loved her, I was still TOTALLY attracted to her and also still very much IN LOVE, even with all the arguing. I never thought I'd recover.

Anyway, so I don't know what I think of "soul mates" now as my father (married 7 times) said his last wife was for sure his soul mate--it was revealed in their past lives readings, tarot and astrological readings etc, but 10 years later, they divorced..his choice! So today he still considers her his est friend but he now adds that even though one can be a soul mate that doesn't mean forever...even though he is convinced he will be with her again in some future life! Actually, this whole outlooks reminds me of Richard Bach who wrote of finding his soul mate in "The Bridge Across Forever" but a decade later also divorced and went off with someone else.

So, now, as you know, I am married to Alexandra! And unlike my first marriage or her own previous relationships, we are an exact match - think alike, have the EXACT same taste in music, movies, interests, faith angle, politics, etc. What is weird about this, is that our backgrounds are totally different whereas my ex and I had very similar backgrounds in terms of education. One thing Alex and I both share too is that we both come from broken homes however there was no abuse like she had of every kind.

I never thought I could love deeply again but I do indeed. It is far more mature a relationship and so calm that at times i have mistakenly thought it to be boring, but have come to realise that my kids and I were used to constant drama and walking on egg shells that that became our norm. We have all had to learn that that is not normal. peace and calm is good and fruitful and far better for one's sanity and development. Lol. While I believe mine and Alex's paths crossed when I was at my lowest were meant to and she was an angel that helped me overcome jsut as she did, I am not sure I can say whether it is a soul mate situ or not. Maybe. Possible, Maybe not. I really don't know. Maybe this is our 2nd act and the 2nd half is the best part of the life book? I know I am happy and feel truly loved and love her and admire her deeply too. :) I don't know anyone who has truly overcome so much as Alexandra. I love her giving, generous, kind-hearted and compassionate heart. Together, we recapture that wonder of childhood but in a super mature lovely way,...if any of that makes any sense! ha.

Wow, what loooong comments I've left you here lately. I hope you like them.

P.S. I'm the exact same way with Woody Allen and his movies.

Rain said...

Hi Michael :) I'm glad you are enjoying this blog. I am too and the comments. I learn a lot from reading what's on peoples minds and I like getting to know people this way too!

Yes, I'm 49 and Alex is 29. Funny enough, when I started to date, I only found men my age who either wanted kids badly (and quickly eek!), or who had ex-wives and kids who were prominently in their lives. That just wasn't for me, so I lowered my "age preference" on my profile to 20-35 years old just to see what would happen! As I mentioned, lots of "randy" young guys looking to "score" with an older women lol...but of course, that's how I met Alex and I'm so glad that I did!

That's so sad about Ben and your mom...only having so little time together! But I did get a chill up my spine reading how she went to see him and he said "Anne, darling, I knew you'd come"...that is pure romance in my book! :) You said your mom had a spiritual connection with Ben, that's how I feel about Alex. I never thought of any man as my soul mate...I would jokingly say my pugs were my soul mates when I was determined to remain single though! :)

Thank you for sharing your story about your ex. It sounded heart breaking, but have your Alex now! :) And interesting that you said walking on egg shells became your norm. That's how it was with me when I dated in my teens and 20's. I somehow found men that were similar to my father and I walked on egg shells constantly, I was so insecure that I became desperately in love a lot of the time. The old saying of "opposites attract"...well, I think that's only meant for magnets lol...opposites MAY attract, but I don't think they will stay stuck together happily.

Soul mate is very subjective anyway I think. For me, it's the one I was meant to be with. I've read that people think of friends as soul mates, but there is no romance involved, just the person they know they'll have a wonderful relationship with forever. And you described what Alex and I have, that we recapture that wonder of childhood but in a super mature and lovely way, that is a great way to describe it! We both came from similar backgrounds too and we only really have each other, but that makes us both very happy. Oh the long comments are great! I'm a "chatty cathy" so the longer the better! Thanks for your insight!!! :)

Renu Vyas said...

Stumbled across you blog by chance and am I glad I did !! Your posts are so thought provoking and I loved reading them :)

I have been happily married for 34 years now and I simply can't imagine a life without my hubby. I don't know if we are soulmates but after 34 years of being together, we are so comfortable with each other that we even understand each others silence. There are so many times when we end up finishing the other's sentence. I feel complete when he is there. The acceptance, the comfort, the total understanding that we share..I feel that is what love is :)

Rain said...

Hi Renu :) Thank you! And thanks for your comment :) I think you've just described your soul mate :) 34 years together is wonderful! Alex and I are only just reaching 5 years together, but I feel that same acceptance, comfort and understanding that you described! We CONSTANTLY finish each other's sentences to the point that it makes us laugh sometimes. I'm so happy that you found such great love with your hubby!

Michael said...

Great feedback, Rain. So enjoying our convos. I realise I've repeated myself in comments to day as I forgot I have ALREADY shared probably way too much here but be that as it may, I am being real all the way.

"I would jokingly say my pugs were my soul mates when I was determined to remain single though! :)"
-That so cracks me up. :D

Oh yes, Ben and Mama' s romance was the stuff of legends and while it left her broken, I am glad she had it as she for once knew what it was like to be truly loved and respected.

Rain said...

Hi Michael :) Don't worry, I repeat myself all the time lol...and you haven't shared too much information for me. I repeat myself all the time. <--- hee hee ;)

Really though, I have no real qualms about sharing my life. I'm mentioned before that to get through my past, I did nearly 10 years of therapy. I think that when you do therapy that long, you get used to just talking about everything and anything. So opening up doesn't bother me at all. I used to hide everything and keep it all bottled down, but it didn't serve me well at all and it just promoted shame in me. I think it's important to talk about so called "taboo" subjects because they shouldn't be hidden.

Having said that, I like that you are "real all the way". Exactly how I am! The only subjects I really keep away from are religion and politics because people get really heated about those!

I do feel very lucky that I have a great relationship. It took me 45 years to find it, but I'm so grateful. Alex is lucky, only took him 25 years!! :)

Michael said...

"I used to hide everything and keep it all bottled down, but it didn't serve me well at all and it just promoted shame in me."

--Yes, you are so right, Rain. Alex has encouraged her homeless brother before to open up and get therapy but he won't so instead of healing and dealing with it all, he drowns himself in avoidance w/ drink and pot...which is, at first the easiest thing to do but it takes its toll. So glad you sought the guidance you did.

I love talking religion/spirituality and even politics....with the right people, which are few, as so many people get way too pushy, convinced their stance/xp is the only one that counts. I always say that surely it's not hard to conceive of the fact that as we are all different, we are naturally all going to xp the world differently! :) That is not a bad thing! The only "bad" thing is when we demonize the other simply for coming to another world view or whatever! So, I love to learn what makes people tick, esp when different to me as whatever separates us, we would do well to remember we are all human and share that bond of humanity, ideally. :) In general though, I avoid convos like those two subjects with people I don't know and trust super well to be open.

Rain said...

I'm the same way Michael. We were all born innocent with open minds. So what about life changed that? Other people teaching us to love something, but also to hate something...and not for our own reasons, for their reasons. I try to keep an open mind. I have conversations with some of the lady's in the picnic who are staunchly Christian. I'm Pagan...potato, potahto right? :) Some people can't handle it though, but I look at people for their good points. If, however, a religious or political (or moral) attitude causes people harm...I don't allow that in my life ever.

It's too bad about your Alex's brother. They say you need to reach rock bottom before you can help yourself. Nobody can help a person if they haven't got to the point where they just can't stand it anymore and WANT to change and live a better life. That happened to me. All of my revelations came on my own and in retrospect, my gosh, they took forever...but I found them and now I can live much happier. I always hope that for everyone, but that's pretty much all I can do is hope for them!