Monday, March 25, 2019

Day 23 of 30 Days of Self Love: Talk About It

Hi Friends :)

Have you got a case of the Mondays? :) I do! I didn't sleep very well last night. Marlene was pacing around and all I could hear was the "click click click" of her nails on the floor...turns out her favourite sleeping spot was taken and she was perplexed! I let her up on the bed with me and she slept the rest of the night. :)

Today's Self Love Challenge is to talk about it. "It" is something on your mind, something bothering you or something that you want to tell someone but for whatever reason, you've chosen not to.

A trusted friend, family member, spouse or even a therapist can help. We have a phone number here, 811. If you call 811, you can talk to a social worker day or night. Talking about something that's weighing on your mind really helps to sort out the brain fog.

I have a very bad habit of keeping things to myself. I'm ultra empathetic and I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable - but by not using my voice, I only make myself uncomfortable.

Also, I do not like conflict, in fact it's one of my biggest fears, so I tend to keep things to myself and suffer in silence. I was taught as a child it's better not to rock the boat, better to let sleeping dogs lie...all that stupid crap that is meant to teach a young person not to stand up for themselves and accept bad behaviour for fear of a person's anger, rejection or judgment.

As a kid I was bullied by a girl from another school. When I would walk home for lunch, she walked the other way home for lunch and she bullied me relentlessly. She would yell at me, push me, degrade me...the typical cowardly bully stuff. I used to get in trouble from my mother for being late and I ended up getting punished often for that because the bully wouldn't let me "pass" until I cried. I never told anyone out of fear, but one day I'd had enough. I screamed bloody murder and the bully ran the other way for fear of getting caught. She never bothered me after that but I was always looking over my shoulder.

Bullying isn't just rampant in childhood. I'm dealing with a problem that I've had for years...yeah, years. There is a person in my life who routinely mistreats me whenever we are together; and I just take my lumps so to speak. Again, Rain...don't rock the boat...

Ever hear of the phrase "Shame lives in the dark."?

Because I'm afraid of standing up to this individual; or because I'm feeling guilty about making them feel bad, I start to feel bad about myself. I question my own feelings - am I just overreacting or am I really too sensitive? Then I realize that maybe my point of view isn't all that important. I doubt my own feelings...then I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone about it and I keep it all inside - just to have it start all over again the next time I meet up with this person.

That's shame. And it's wrong - nobody should feel shame for being mistreated. I will never claim to be perfect and I've said some choice words to this person in the past out of frustration, but overall, I've been way too lenient and forgiving - to my own detriment. It becomes a cycle of ups and downs and it's hard to manage - especially when you love the person. You want so much for them to see the err of their ways, but at some point, you have to face the facts - they don't want to change, so YOU must change and walk away!

So recently I decided to talk about it. My mind was so jumbled over the confusion I was feeling over this insanity. I am now talking to a person I trust very much and opening up about everything that's happened over the last few years with this individual. It's hard because I'm still kind of embarrassed that I allowed it to continue. I have mentioned in a previous post that this is the year I'm ridding myself of all toxic people in my life and talking about it is a great start to that process.


Fundy Blue said...

I'm glad that you have someone you can talk to about this problem that has been plaguing you for years, Rain. I, too, hate conflict, and I will almost always avoid it. Someone close to me is a porcupine shooting quills. I rarely confront this person. I just chill if an explosion happens and try not to engage. I understand a lot of what is going on with this person mentally, so I usually walk away. Occasionally, if the person goes too far, I will call the person on it. I've made peace with this situation. The person is not going to change, so I have to be okay with changing my reaction. I tell you what though, I hate prickly human beings!

Mama Pea said...

You are so wise in dealing with this particular problem that is causing you real pain. I mean, we all have only the rest of our lives to live so how many years (decades) do we want (of those years remaining) to be unhappy? Or to take the bull by the horns and be happy for the rest of our time?

By "allowing" the behavior of another person who is causing us distress, to continue on in the same way, we are ENABLING them to continue with the hurtful behavior. I've found that people will continue their same behavior and/or inflict harm to us AS LONG AS WE ALLOW IT. If we can be strong, state our feelings and boundaries to that other person in the toxic relationship, often times (it might not happen immediately) the hurtful person will cease and desist for lack of getting the reaction they need. (Sick as it may be.)

I've been in the same situation and now my only regret is that I didn't understand what I had to do earlier. Much earlier.

Hugs to you, my friend, for being so wisely introspective and plowing through difficult territory with so much strength and determination.

Martha said...

I'm sorry you are dealing with that, Rain. It's hard to break old habits but you deserve much better. No one has the right to mistreat and abuse you that way. I'm glad you have someone you trust to discuss this with. I hope it brings you peace. xo

Rain said...

Thanks Louise :) I like that imagery of a porcupine shooting quills. I felt that way too, but I personally was never able to make peace with it ever. I don't have the "armour" to fend off the quills from stabbing me!!! It must be very difficult not to engage and walk away. Congratulations on changing your reaction!! :)

Rain said...

Thanks Mama Pea :) Enabling is the right word, teaching the person how they can treat you. If this situation had gotten worse, I was ready to walk away sadly! Thanks for your support xxxxx

Rain said...

Thanks Martha :) Talking it out really brought me a lot of peace, insight and strength! :)

Magic Love Crow said...

Good for you Rain! I'm proud of you! I know it's hard, it's very hard, but you can do it! You are a beautiful soul! Stand proud and love you! Big Hugs!

Nicole said...

I am glad ypu have someone you trust who you can talk to and who will stand by you through this.
I am the same ... i keep things to myself , sometines talk to a friend about wht bothers me but mostly never to the person I should be talking to. I avoid conflict ...
Writing my journal helps and talking to " friend" who can only listen and not give advice ( because they are furry ) ... but they give me peace and thats at least a temporarely relief in the situation.