Monday, October 28, 2019

Solitary Joy

Hi Friends :)

Do you enjoy alone time? Do you enjoy silence? Or do you feel more comfortable around other people? I'm definitely a solitary person who NEEDS quiet! One of our neighbours constantly has her radio playing and it's very annoyingly placed right by her always open window! I think I'd go nuts with a radio playing all day long. In fact I go nuts when I'm in the bedroom with our window open because that's all I can hear!

I've been in my relationship for over six and a half years now. Before I met Alex, I was alone for eighteen years. And I mean ALONE. No dates, no interest, no nothing! I rarely spoke with anyone unless it was my therapist, a doctor or the cashier at the grocery store...oh, and of course my dogs! :) I was recovering from burnout and family issues; and I had no interest in sharing that version of me with anyone. I chose to be alone. At first it was very lonely, but I guess I got used to it and started to value my solitude.

As I started to feel better in 2011, I started to feel like I wanted to share my life again. It was an inner struggle because I know myself, I'm not a social butterfly at all. I felt slightly shy about expressing the need for time alone when I was just starting to look for a relationship! I didn't know quite how to sugarcoat this:

"I'm looking for a loving, passionate and romantic, long term relationship. But...I don't want to meet your friends, I don't want to go to your family's Sunday dinners and I basically want to stay home and never socialize or leave the house. Will you go out with me?" LOL

But I figured I'd need to be honest from the get go. I joined an online dating service and laid it all out on the line - as diplomatically as I could! I was very clear about the burnout I suffered, my lifestyle and the fact that I'm very much a solitary, independent person. Of course, I also mentioned that I want to spend my life with someone I love, that I'm a romantic and that together time was just as important to me.

It took a few years, lots of dates, lots of disappointments...but I found Alex and he found me. We were a 95% match according to their computers. And the best part? He loves his solitude as much as I do! He was estranged from his family as I was; and he wasn't very social at all. Very good match!

I got to thinking about this subject because lately Alex is spending a lot of time recording a new album. He's in his studio pretty much all day, then we have a quick dinner and he's back in there until he comes to bed.

I miss his company of course, but I kind of like my alone time. I spend my time doing hobbies that I really enjoy, reading, trying new recipes, making cheese; and watching horror movies because Alex isn't big on them. I spend lots of time with the pets too which makes me very happy!

Having solitude is important for both of us and it works for us.

I have a tendency to not ask for help when I sure could use it. Being alone for nearly 2 decades (and with my upbringing), I am hardwired into thinking that the only person I can really count on is myself - so I tend to take on issues and problems alone. It took me a while to re-program myself into knowing that I can rely on my partner and it's okay to ask for help. In return, I'm there for him when he needs help with anything as well. Asking for help can be a scary thing, because it involves a great amount of trust in the other person. When you've had terrible experiences with other human beings, it's a risky thing to be vulnerable. But once you know you can trust that person consistently, asking for help is a relief! Allowing someone to help you is not only good for you, it's good for that person as well!

What about you? Are you more of a solitary person? If you're in a relationship, how important is alone time for you and your partner? Are you comfortable asking for help or do you tackle problems solo?

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Insomnia Insight

Hi Friends :)

I went to sleep last at around 10pm - totally exhausted to the point where I couldn't put two words together. Then BAM! Wide awake at 1:30am. I guess I've been lucky the last few months, I haven't had any issue with insomnia! 

I tend to fight it a little bit. I lie there, staring at the ceiling, willing myself to fall back to sleep. But then I eventually give up as thoughts start to fill my mind and I'm way too distracted at that point to even rest. So I get up. Usually I make a chamomile tea and pull out my colouring pad. I have a pad of paper full of mandalas and objects that I have waiting for me when I can't sleep. I just sip tea, listen to relaxing music and colour. A lot of the time, that relaxes my mind enough where I'm tired enough to try to sleep again!

Last night though, no such luck. Alex got up a few times asking me if I was coming back to bed. He even offered to put on a movie with me so we could both fall asleep to it; but I was too far gone at that point...wide awake! So I decided to write a few Tarot spreads. I started this blog in 2017 with the intention of posting often as a way to keep spirituality and self-improvement present in my every day life. 

As we all know, life gets in the way sometimes. But I also believe that if we really want to do something, we will always find a way to do it. Sometimes our reasons are very valid, but a lot of the time, they are simply excuses due to procrastination, laziness, perceived busy-ness, writer's/artist's block, disjointed priorities, mental health or physical issues or we just simply don't feel like it. 

We all have obligations that need to get done for the home and family of course - and some aren't as pleasant as others - but we do them out of love for the people who depend on us!

But when it comes to hobbies and things that used to spark our interest, feeling obligated to do these things (for whatever reason), makes it a task, not a pleasure. If you force yourself to do something out of obligation, it will be quite obvious to you and those around you that you really aren't enjoying it. I've started blog post after blog post, with a feeling of obligation, and I've never posted them because they are simply boring and stale.

Many times I opened this blog and stared at it, wondering why I lost that spark...why I was posting once every month or so when there was a time that I couldn't wait to write my next Tarot spread, my next self-improvement post or come up with a really thought-provoking piece of writing!

After thinking on this for a while, I figured things out. 2019 has not been a stellar year for me!

- I got royally screwed by two realtors and my dream of home ownership was put on hold another year. 

- I was having issues in my personal life (that are now thankfully solved).

- One of my dogs was attacked by a loose dog and I had to stop my morning dog walks.

- My garden and outdoor activities suffered as we had a dreadful summer.

- Sciatica and piriformis pain ruled many months.

- Dental pain lasted nearly 2 months.

And now? Just plain old physical, emotional and mental exhaustion has set in from all of that trauma.

I'm not one to throw in the towel or have a pity party (for too long! 😉), but evaluating the last 10 months put a good perspective on why I feel the way I do. Having that list is also helping me to figure out how to shake it all off and learn from it all. 

I usually see the glass half full...I know the value of time...I know we are not long on this earth...I know that love is what rules me, and I've learned that it's my choice to either wallow in pain, anger, regret and pity or take one giant step forward and keep going. 

Everyone has their cross to bear, so to speak. My cross, at least the heaviest one, is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's a sneaky little mental health disorder. It can fool you into thinking you're doing just fine then it comes at you with a vengeance...just to remind you that you are never going to be rid of it. I used to feel so much bitterness for having this disorder! I was angry at the world. But at some point when you are in chronic pain and dis-ease, you need acceptance and you need to take matters into your own hands on how to live with it. Otherwise, existence is just too overrated. 

Anyway, these are nocturnal insights! I write these Tarot spreads for anyone who reads the cards, I find that the Tarot always gives great understanding! Poor man's therapy! But the questions I come up with can also be food for thought for those who don't read the cards. You can use these questions as a tool for thought and self-improvement.

My favourite time of the year is upon me - October, Autumn, Halloween, Samhain...and then Yule and Christmas time...I want to enjoy every moment! Please share with me if you want to. What cross do you bear and how do you accept and live with it?